THE ARCHAEOLOGY DEPARTMENT OF THE UNIVERSeTY OF BRATTLEBORO

Press Release: LOCATION OF UFO CRASH SITE ALMOST IDENTIFIED ! ! !

Professors Balderdash,  Real-Faux, and others, after years of painstaking field work,  and archival research,  have  come close to identifying the crash site of the UFO that exploded over  Vermont in 1811.  OnApril 21, the professors announced that they would be undertaking an expedition to the undisclosed location, to pillage the site and offer up the artifacts and remains of the aliens for sale to the general public as soon as they pinned down exactly where the crash occurred.

EXAMPLE OF SPACE GUN

An example of one of the artifacts that Universety of Brattleboro researchers hope to pillage from the crash site.

“We are very excited to be getting close to finally figuring out where this baby crashed. And also very excited to capitalize on this truly historic discovery. We are eager to sell off many of these precious artifacts. We know this is an unusual stance for academics of our stature to take, but concerned citizens should know that we will be using a portion of the proceeds to help keep southern Vermont weird.” Balderdash said that the faculty may choose to keep a few select powerful weapons for themselves to aid in their war with the University of Wilmington, which is located on the far side of Hogback Mountain.

According to Dr Balderdash, part of their mission to keep southern Vermont weird entails figuring out which public worksite was the one  where public workers would unearth the remains. “We know that skeptics will assume the worst, and believe that we are planning on planting the artifacts under a construction site. But if you stop to think about it, that is impossible. How could we go back in time to get the artifacts, which are over a thousand years old, in some cases, even if we wanted to create a hoax crash site? People don’t think these things through, but, what can you do? Haters are going to hate.”

Dr Adam Imadam explained that while skeptics will by their very nature be skeptical, the article in the Scientific American documenting  the event in 1811 was well known to historians. “We did not go back in time and plant that story. There really was an explosion in the skies above Brattleboro, and there really was a boy who claimed to have hoaxed the town. However, on the face of it, his story, which involved a kite, a lantern, a candle and some gunpowder, is improbable, inconvenient, and unbelievable. More importantly, his story fails to explain the many artifacts we are going to bring to light. Clearly there was an exploding UFO in Vermont, and clearly any such explosion would have resulted in the crash site we are going to find.”

The University is creating a kick starter campaign to launch their search for the crash site. Gifts for contributors will include space weapons and other more mysterious artifacts, many of which that curiously resemble the work of Vermont craftspeople. “We can explain any similarity between the UFO artifacts and artwork made by local crafts people as being either complete coincidence, or possibly the result of survivors of the UFO crash, whom we presume were humanoid, sowing their seed so to speak, in the popluation back in 1811. I mean, that would explain the highly creative art scene we have had down for many years in this corner of the state, wouldn’t it?”

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